Johnny Depp, Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean, Jack Sparrow, Vanessa Paradis, Tim Burton, Public Enemies, Sweeney Todd, Sleepy Hollow, Edward Scissorhands,  John Dillinger, Gregory David Roberts, Infinitum Nihil, Shantaram, Ed Wood, Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Willy Wonka, Rum Diary, Dark Shadows, Alice in Wonderland, Nightmare on Elm Street, Platoon, Private Resort, 21 Jump Street, Cry Baby, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Arizona Dream, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Lasse Hallstrom, From Hell, The Man Who Cried, Secret Window, David Koepp, Freddy's Dead, Final Nightmare, Benny and Joon, Don Juan de Marco, Marlon Brando, Dead Man, Nick of Time, Donnie Brasco, The Brave, Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas,LA Without A Map, Ninth Gate, Astronaut's Wife, Before Night Falls, Chocolat, Blow, From Hell, Curse of the Black Pearl, Dead Man's Chest, At World's End, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Happily Ever After, Finding Neverland, The Libertine, Benjamin Barker, John Wilmot, Mort Rainey, Sheldon Jeffrey Sands, Abberline, Roux, Ichabod Crane,William Blake, Raoul Duke, Raphael, Joe Pistone, sam, joon, axel blackmar, oprah noodlemantra, Tom Hanson, Tim Burton, GoreVerbinski, Mira Nair, Emir Kosturica, Jim Jarmusch, Terry Gilliam, michael mann, Rango, Jack Kerouac, Allen Ginsberg, Helena Bonham Carter

 

BENNY AND JOON

SCRIPT - DIALOGUE TRANSCRIPT

Transcript written by of Angela Sugden

 

Director: Jeremiah S. Chechik
Writers: Barry Berman and Lesley McNeil (story), Barry Berman (screenplay)
With : Johnny Depp, Mary Stuart Masterson, Aidan Quinn, Julianne Moore, Oliver Platt, Dan Hedaya, CCH Pounder, Joe Grifasi, William H. Macy

 

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Randy

So we're planning our next vacation, right. I want Australia, she wants Italy. I like, snorkeling. She likes garlic. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she says to me, do I need her? Jesus Benny, what kind of a question is that? I mean need, what does it really mean to need somebody?

 

Eric

Benny, fuel line.

 

Benny

Hey, Waldo, could you answer that phone?

 

Waldo

Yeah, hello?

 

Postman

I need a cheque, Benny, C.O.D.

 

Benny

In a minute, meet me in the office.

 

Postman

All right.

 

Benny

Whoa, put that out, put that out, put that out. I got a fuel line broke.

 

Waldo

Hey, Benny, Joon's on the phone again.

 

Benny

Well tell her I'll call her back. Find out what she wants.

 

Waldo

It's an emergency. She says you're running low on peanut butter super chunks.

 

Benny

An emergency. . . All right, the issue is jelly, you only like two kinds. You either like grape or poison berry, which? All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, peanut butter, I know, super crunch, all right. I'll see you at six, okay. Bye. Hi. Thanks for waiting, ma'am. Erm, I'm afraid the best we can do for you is going to be, erm, seven-fifty. But I think if you check around you'll see that that is a really good deal.

 

Woman

Yeah?

 

Eric

That is a real very good deal, ma'am. A little too good. . .

 

Woman

Let's do it.

 

Joon

You're not doing your job! What is your job anyway?

 

Mrs Smail

My job is to clean this house, but I'm not doing it any more!

 

Joon

Get out of my sight!

 

Mrs Smail

You wouldn't dare, Joon!

 

Benny

What is going on here? Joon! Mrs Smail! Mrs Smail, please.

 

Mrs Smail

Beware, the winds of reason shall blow stern.

 

Benny

What?

 

Mrs Smail

I'm done, Mr Pearl, I'm done! The mule's turned to glue, she wanders off unescorted. She has sudden outbursts. She is simply unmanageable.

 

Benny

Mrs Smail! Please, wait, please. Let me talk to her. I can talk to her, you can't quit on such short notice.

 

Mrs Smail

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. In Ireland, we have a saying, when a boat runs ashore, the sea has spoken.

 

Erin (phone)

Oh, come on! You have to come, we can't play three in a poker game.

 

Benny

Listen, she's going to be alone every day until I find another housekeeper, I'm not leaving her alone at night too.

 

Eric (phone)

Listen, bring her, what's she going to do? She paints and she reads.

 

Benny

Yeah, she paints, she reads, she lights things on fire.

 

Eric (phone)

That happened once. Look I got a fire extinguisher, just bring her.

 

Eric

Now get your ass over here, and don't forget the Louis Pring record you owe me. Remember, always play for keeps. Right?

 

Benny

All right, all right, all right, yeah, I'll be there. Okay. Joon, dinner! Spaghetti and salad?

 

Joon

In that order?

 

Benny

What happened between you and Mrs Smail?

 

Joon

She was given to fits of semi-precious metaphors.

 

Benny

The woman is a housekeeper, Joon, not an English professor.

 

Joon

She moves things.

 

Benny

She said you wandered off. Did you leave the house alone?

 

Joon

Define alone.

 

Benny

You know full well what I'm talking about. Listen, while I'm at work I can't be worried about whether or not you're knocking another housekeeper into retirement. First it was Mrs Larksburg.

 

Joon

A woman deeply and hygienically disturbed. Her hair smelled.

 

Benny

But then it was Mrs Piltz.

 

Joon

Piltz? The answer's in the question. Let's face it, Benjamin, hiring housekeepers is not your forte.

 

Benny

Oh yeah? Well until I do find another housekeeper, you are going to stick close to the house. Understand? Now have some salad. Oh by the way, I want you to come with me to my poker game.

 

Joon

Benny. . .

 

Benny

Come on, you'll have a good time.

 

Man

Erm, web belt and buckle.

 

Mike

Classical Greek martini shaker.

 

Benny

Six turkey-feather darts.

 

Thomas

I'll see you with the Diana Durban album.

 

Benny

Come on.

 

Thomas

And I'll raise you with the stethoscope.

 

Mike

Does it have little, er, plastic earpieces on the end?

 

Thomas

What do you care? You never win, Mike!

 

Mike

Well if I do, I don't want them, stabbing my eardrums. Steering wheel knob.

 

Eric

Salad shooter.

 

Benny

Fifty-six Plymouth tyre iron.

 

Thomas

Foldo.

 

Mike

Well you must have a good hand, huh?

 

Benny

No, I'm bluffing.

 

Mike

Really?

 

Benny

Come on, you got to play to find out, come on.

 

Mike

Okay, a hundred and fifty feet of coaxial cable. Show them.

 

Benny

Full house, Jacks over fours.

 

Eric

Oh shit.

 

Mike

I thought he was bluffing.

 

Thomas

Will someone get some air to his brain? He was bluffing about bluffing Mike.

 

Mike

You're a real pal, Benny. I tell you what, I got a solution to your housekeeper problem, you can have my room-mate.

 

Joon

Oh, that's a terrific offer Benjamin. Save you from the wretched chore of Smail shopping. Those places are such drudgery, aren't they? Montgomery and Smail, Smails and Roebuck, Smails 'r' Us. . .

 

Benny

Joon. You got a room-mate? When did you get a room-mate?

 

Mike

Since last week. My cousin pounded into town and my life's gone from heaven to hell in seven days.

 

Thomas

Just like the good Lord intended.

 

Mike

Yeah, twenty-six years old, he can't even read. He spends all day polishing my plastic forks.

 

Eric

When you say he can't read, what do you mean? Like words?

 

Mike

Yeah, and he keeps me up all night watching stupid old movies. My work's starting to suffer.

 

Joon

You install cable TV.

 

Benny

Joon, will you please glue your sequins.

 

Joon

Have we an internal sequin issue to deal with, Benjamin?

 

Benny

All right, can we make this the last hand? Come on, come on, play cards.

 

Eric

Two tickets, tomorrow nights baseball game.

 

Benny

One Pocket Fisherman.

 

Thomas

Fold.

 

Benny

Do you ever stay in?

 

Mike

Snorkel mask.

 

Social Worker

She really knows how to rattle the day help.

 

Benny

You know, I think we need to find someone more understanding than Mrs Smail.

 

Social Worker

Now tell you something. How are you two getting along?

 

Benny

Us? Fine, normal, you know, fine. Why?

 

Social Worker

I'll level with you. I think it's time you gave some serious consideration to a group home.

 

Benny

She already has a home.

 

Social Worker

Benny, she'd be with her peers.

 

Benny

Yeah, she hates her peers. She has already quit two the day centres to prove it. Look, all we need right now is a new housekeeper.

 

Social Worker

Well I know of no one else. You've been up and down the list. Now you might want to entertain the possibility that there's some people, more capable of handling these episodes than you. I am beginning to think that that you two living together may not be the best thing any more.

 

Benny

I'm her brother, and I'm her only family. And we've done just fine, the two of us for twelve years.

 

Social Worker

Yes, but her stress level is always a factor in her display of symptoms. Her agitation should be kept to a minimum.

 

Benny

Everybody gets agitated. Sometimes it's the only option.

 

Social Worker

Benny, don't get me wrong, I'm impressed how you've managed this long. But a group home would give her a chance to develop other relationships. Also, we don't know this, but, what if she were capable of a part-time job? They'd encourage her in that direction. These are very nice places - nurturing, supportive.

 

Benny

I'm not farming her out.

 

Joon

I have every right to be outside officer. I have every right.

 

Police Officer

Yes, ma'am. May I see some ID please?

 

Benny

Hey, Waldo, did you start that brake job yet?

 

Waldo

Joon called. She says that you've run out of tapioca.

 

Benny

She what?

 

Waldo

Oh, and the police will corroborate.

 

Benny

Holy shit. Listen, Jack, you wanna go to the baseball game tonight?

 

Jack

Hey, thanks, Benny.

 

Benny

Box seats. Hello? Joon? Time for your meds, Joon. Good night, Steve. Oh, hello. How's it going?

 

Woman

I appreciate the deal on the engine.

 

Benny

Oh yeah, no problem. Is it running all right?

 

Woman

Yeah, it's running great.

 

Benny

Oh, good.

 

Woman

So, er, can I erm, can I make it up to you with some dinner?

 

Benny

Some dinner? Erm, you serious?

 

Woman

Yeah, dinner with you.

 

Benny

Erm, you know what, I can't. I mean I'd like to, but. . .

 

Woman

Okay.

 

Benny

Okay.

 

Eric

Stupid. Stupid.

 

Benny

Eighteen, fifteen.

 

Joon

Seventeen, sixteen.

 

Benny

Eighteen, fifteen!

 

Joon

It caught the corner.

 

Benny

It was a foot off the table.

 

Joon

It was not.

 

Benny

Juniper.

 

Joon

Benjamin. Don't underestimate the mentally ill, we know how to count.

 

Benny

Okay, fine, seventeen, sixteen.

 

Joon

You can't give me what was already mine. You're trying to cheat.

 

Benny

I'm not cheating.

 

Joon

You're cheating.

 

Benny

Joon, I don't cheat. You're the one who's cheating.

 

Joon

You're all trying to cheat me, you're trying to cheat me.

 

Thomas

Yeah, all right, I spoke to some of the guys on the staff, Benny. Nobody wants to be a housekeeper. I will keep trying, but I got to tell you, honestly, I don't think so.

 

Benny

Yeah, okay. Thanks. Bye. Okay, Stevie. I mean, I can't even keep a goldfish alive. What chance do I have with Joon? If something bad happened to her I'd. . . I'd never ever be able to forgive myself.

 

Eric

A group home is the right thing for her, Benny.

 

Benny

Yeah, this is definitely for her own good.

 

Eric

Hey, it's for both your own good. How much longer can you do this to yourself? You're life is literally passing you by.

 

Benny

You're right. You're right. What am I doing with myself? I spend my life working on cars and taking care of my sister. I can't even have a relationship without having to worry how Joon is gonna fit in.

 

Eric

You know, once she gets settled in, you could actually take a vacation. Travel a little. I can hold down the fort, no problem.

 

Benny

Travel? Travel?

 

Eric

Benny, there's a whole world out there, man. I mean, picture yourself on the open road, wind in the hair in the El Camino. Highway stretching out b. . . what's that? Up ahead? A lovely motorist. Stranded. Carburetor trouble. Better investigate.

 

Benny

Yeah, right, I'm going to be stopping at a pay phone every fifteen minutes to call Joon to see how she's doing.

 

Mike

Okay, let's see, Black Sabbath over there.

 

Thomas

You got that flash light?

 

Mike

It's not a flash light. It turns out it's a brush kind of thing. Here's a hat, Benny.

 

Thomas

Where's the batteries?

 

Mike

You, you didn't win any batteries. What are you talking about? Who gets the ice nudies?

 

Thomas

Those are mine.

 

Mike

Okay. Hey guys, come on, hurry it up, huh. Or we'll start without you.

 

Joon

I've been known to play a little cards.

 

Mike

Box of thirty-ought-six cartridges.

 

Joon

Medium sized green haired troll.

 

Thomas

Soap on a rope, slightly used. Cards?

 

Mike

Three.

 

Thomas

Cards?

 

Joon

Two.

 

Thomas

And the dealer takes. . . three.

 

Mike

Pass.

 

Joon

Re-grout my shower. Blue grout.

 

Thomas

I fold.

 

Mike

Shampoo my dog. Lava lamp.

 

Joon

Scrape and paint the exterior of my house.

 

Thomas

Hey, hey, come on slow it down you guys, okay. This is supposed to be reasonable stakes.

 

Joon

That's a see and a raise, you follow me?

 

Mike

You take my cousin off my hands.

 

Thomas

Wait, wait, wait. Just stop. All right. Benny's gonna strangle you guys.

 

Joon

Chill out, Thomas.

 

Benny

Joon, we've gotta go.

 

Mike

A flush. Full house. Yes, yes! Oh Benny, tonight's your lucky night.

 

Thomas

Mike warned it was for keeps, Benny.

 

Benny

What? What was for keeps?

 

Joon

I lost.

 

Benny

What's in the pot?

 

Joon

A cousin.

 

Mike

Hey man, rules are rules, without then there's no order in the universe.

 

Benny

Oh don't you give me that crap. You took advantage.

 

Joon

Of your sick sister. A heart flush is a perfectly respectable hand.

 

Mike

Not respectable enough.

 

Benny

Hey, shut up Mike. I am not taking this guy home.

 

Mike

You have to man. Remember the bet I lost last year? When I had to re-plate your socket set. I didn't back out, did I?

 

Benny

You can't bet a human being.

 

Mike

Oh, well, if you're going to be a baby about it.

 

Benny

All right Mike. You want to play like that? I'll take him. I may not be responsible for what I'm going to do to him, but I'll take him.

 

Mike

Oh man. What are you doing you stupid jerk?

 

Sam

Oh, there's something wrong with your car.

 

Mike

What did you do with my hub caps?

 

Sam

I don't know. I'm Sam.

 

Benny

So I hear. I'm Benny.

 

Sam

With an N?

 

Benny

Yeah. Two of 'em. This is Joon.

 

Sam

With an N?

 

Joon

One. You're out of your tree.

 

Sam

It's not my tree.

 

Benny

I think I need a beer.

 

Mike

Hey, Benny, wait a minute! Where you going? Come here man, give me a jump. Hey! You're going with them.

 

Benny

Oh! God bless you.

 

Ruthie

Hey pal, we're trying to work here, if you don't mind.

 

Sam

Oh my God! I've just been looking for my boyfriend. Have you seen him? He's a cute guy with a little mole on his right cheek.

 

Man

Hey, Ruthie, one of your ghosts come back to haunt you?

 

Sam

Oh! Oh Brad! Oh Brad! Brad, please don't be dead. I never got a chance to tell you what you meant to me. Oh Brad, please! It's you, you're you, Ruthie Mallenak. Co-star of The Prom Queen Mutilator with Dick Beebe.

 

Ruthie

You saw that?

 

Sam

He was mine! He was mine! No Cindy, you're sick. Cindy you need help! No, Cindy! No! No! No! No!

 

Joon

No. Don't. . . don't touch it.

 

Sam

It's paint.

 

Joon

Yes.

 

Sam

Kirk Douglas. Van Gough. Ear.

 

Benny

These are yours. You can sleep here, all right? Come on it's late. Let's brush your teeth and hair.

 

Joon

I can brush my own teeth Benjamin.

 

Benny

Fine.

 

Joon

Hair too.

 

Benny

Perfect. Come on.

 

Sam

Oh. Oh, Benny. Hey Benny. Thanks for the couch. Erm, Mike made me sleep under the sink.

 

Benny

Oh. You're welcome. Good night.

 

Sam

Good night. Mentally ill. Really?

 

Benny

Yeah. But I mean, don't worry about it. But just, er, let her go about her routine, you know. Her routine is everything to her. Oh, and don't hang around her room while she's painting. She hates that.

 

Sam

No.

 

Benny

She runs hot and cold on you, just ignore it. That's just the way it works. Oh, listen, erm, she starts talking to herself, don't worry about it, but don't answer.

 

Sam

Okay.

 

Benny

She sometimes hears voices in her head. That comes with the territory too. And, erm, just make sure that nothing, and I mean nothing, happens to her.

 

Sam

Okay.

 

Benny

Okay. All right.

 

Joon

Having a Boo Radley moment are we?

 

Benny

Good morning.

 

Eric

Hey.

 

Benny

This today?

 

Eric

Yeah. So, erm. . . So what did you do with the cousin? The bus station? The river? What? You throw him in the river?

 

Benny

No, I took him home.

 

Eric

You took him home?

 

Benny

Yeah.

 

Eric

To your house?

 

Benny

Yeah, to my house.

 

Eric

What are you, crazy?

 

Benny

Hey, believe me, it's only temporary.

 

Eric

Great. Hey, maybe he can tell Joon about the group home.

 

Benny

Listen, if I'm going to do this group home thing, I got to figure out the best way to tell her, you know what I mean? Where's Waldo? Is he not here yet?

 

Eric

No.

 

Benny

All right, that's it. I'm going to have a talk with him.

 

Eric

No, you're not.

 

Benny

Yes I am. I'm calling him right now. What's his phone number?

 

Eric

Five, five, five, zero, nine, four, four.

 

Joon

Aah! Too loud! Too loud!

 

Sam

Aah, what? What? Oh!

 

Benny

Hey. Where's Sam?

 

Joon

I didn't mean to kick him out. I mean I didn't kick him out, he just, he just left.

 

Benny

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? What happened? Did something happen?

 

Joon

He just, he just left. He was, he was, in the air and, and, and with a thing and, it was really loud. It was really loud. And all, I, I just kept seeing. . . He didn't mean to do it.

 

Benny

Do it? What? What, did he, what did he do?

 

Joon

He cleaned the house.

 

Benny

And you kicked him out for that?

 

Joon

Maybe I should invite him back in.

 

Benny

Yeah. Before someone sticks a stamp on his head and mails him to Guam.

 

Joon

Some cultures, are defined by their relationship to cheese.

 

Benny

Is that a fact?

 

Joon

He can really cook, can't he?

 

Benny

Uh-uh, yeah. Although, for grilled cheese, I might've used the wool setting.

 

Joon

That's what I told him.

 

Benny

Really? What, what did he use?

 

Joon

Rayon. Silk would have been too soggy. Cotton would've. . .

 

Benny

Would've burned it.

 

Joon

Right. Fortunately he consulted me before giving it steam. I was four square against it. I wish he could be me new Smail.

 

Benny & Joon (singing)

The melodious songs of the blessed, And our spirits shall sorrow no more, Not a sigh for the blessing of rest, In the sweet by-and-by, We shall meet on that beautiful shore, In the sweet by-and-by, We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

 

Benny

Good night.

 

Joon

Good night. You need some help? Dear Mom, I've departed Mikes with love and gratitude, and am now living with Benny and Joon Pearl, two magnificently devoted new friends. Benny's pre-disposition to hyper-tense Irish monologists notwithstanding, he has given me a job as a domestic engineer and seems pleased with my performance so far. Love, Sam.

 

Sam

Wow, I didn't know I could talk like that. Tapioca?

 

Joon

Oh. Yeah.

 

Ruthie

Okay.

 

Sam

Thank you Ruthie.

 

Ruthie

You're welcome Sam. Let me know if you need anything, okay?

 

Sam

You don't like raisins?

 

Joon

Not really.

 

Sam

Why?

 

Joon

They used to be. . . fat and juicy. And now they're twisted, like they had their life stolen. Oh, they taste sweet, but really they re just humiliated grapes. I can't say I'm a big supporter of the raisin council.

 

Sam

Did you see those, those raisins on TV? The one's that sing and dance and stuff.

 

Joon

They, scare me.

 

Sam

Yeah, me too.

 

Joon

It's sick, the commercial people, they make them sing and dance so people will eat them.

 

Sam

It's a shame about raisins.

 

Joon

Cannibals.

 

Sam

Yeah. Do you like avocadoes?

 

Joon

They're a fruit, you know.

 

Sam

Ruthie, do you got any avocadoes?

 

Benny

Joon?

 

Joon

You're very pretty when you're off work Ruthie.

 

Ruthie

Thank you. Maybe I should quit my job, huh?

 

Benny

Where the hell have you two been?

 

Ruthie

Oh don't worry, they were with me. We were just running some errands.

 

Benny

Oh, hi. How you doing?

 

Ruthie

Hi.

 

Benny

Running errands? You ran an errand?

 

Joon

Yes I did, I ran an errand.

 

Benny

Oh look.

 

Joon

They're both named Steven. One with a V and one with a PH.

 

Sam

Look, look, look! Ruthie's movie.

 

Joon

Yes. And she's staying for dinner too.

 

Benny

Come on in. Come on in. So why'd you leave?

 

Ruthie

LA? I wasn't that good of an actress.

 

Benny

Well that's not how Sam tells it. He's raving about you.

 

Ruthie

Yeah, well he's sweeter than he is judgmental. How long have you known him?

 

Benny

Sam? Erm, seventy-two hours.

 

Ruthie

Be serious.

 

Benny

I am, serious.

 

Ruthie

Really?

 

Benny

I'm always serious. I'm too serious. Did you ever get to the point in your life when nothing makes any sense?

 

Sam

Brad? Brad? Quit kidding around. This isn't funny any more.

 

Ruthie

Can we turn this off? Can we just turn this off?

 

Benny

No!

 

Sam

Why did you do this? You're sick. You need help. Let me. . . Don't. He was mine. He was mine! And if I can't have him, no one can. Not even you. You didn't have to buy that same dress. But you're my sister, Cindy. I'm sorry about me and Brad. We didn't mean to fall in love at the party. . .

 

Benny

Sssh.

 

Sam

. . . boys, other midnight swims, other prom dresses. Cindy, no Cindy!

 

Benny

Try it again. Now, see there's only two reasons a car won't start. Either you're not getting fuel or you're not getting fire. You've got fire. I think you'd better let me drive you home. Sorry.

 

Ruthie

Thanks. Here it is. It's right here.

 

Benny

Second job, huh?

 

Ruthie

Yeah. Got to make those ends meet, you know.

 

Benny

This is just how I imagined your place. Well. . .

 

Ruthie

You wanna come in? Or you, you wanna. . .

 

Benny

Oh. No, I'll come in, for a minute. Whoa! What is this? Nice porch.

 

Ruthie

Pretty nice fish Joon gave you.

 

Benny

Oh yeah, those fish. Yeah I was shocked I was. . . Nice fish, I mean, yeah.

 

Ruthie

I never had a fish.

 

Benny

What? Not even as a kid?

 

Ruthie

No. Under privileged childhood, I guess.

 

Benny

Down-right un-American, if you ask me.

 

Ruthie

Yeah.

 

Benny

You can have one of mine, if you want.

 

Ruthie

No, I couldn't, I couldn't possibly. I mean they were a gift.

 

Benny

But, you know, you could borrow it. You know, we could share it. Like joint custody. You could take it on the weekends, you know. What is this? Wow!

 

Ruthie

Sit down son, you're making me nervous.

 

Benny

Oh.

 

Ruthie

Want a beer?

 

Benny

Yeah. You know what? I'd better not. I gotta get going. I better get going, okay?

 

Ruthie

Yeah, okay.

 

Benny

I'll take a rain check on the beer.

 

Ruthie

Okay, I got the doors.

 

Benny

Do you want to go to dinner?

 

Ruthie

Ever been married?

 

Benny

No.

 

Ruthie

Yeah.

 

Benny

Yeah? Great. See ya.

 

Ruthie

See ya.

 

Benny

See ya.

 

Social Worker

See you next week.

 

Joon

Right, thank you.

 

Social Worker

Benny, would you come inside a moment?

 

Benny

Sure.

 

Social Worker

Who's the new housekeeper?

 

Benny

The new. . . oh! This. . . friend, just came to stay with us for a while, but. . .

 

Social Worker

Joon tells me he's a man.

 

Benny

Well you know Joon, how flowery she gets with words.

 

Social Worker

So. . . she's lying? I mean, is it a man, or isn't it?

 

Benny

Well, yes, technically. He's really just a guy, a friend.

 

Social Worker

So where does this leave the group home decision? I take it you haven't talked to her about it yet.

 

Benny

No, not yet.

 

Social Worker

The admission date is less than a week away.

 

Benny

But you see, the thing is she's really doing fine. She seems content. Let's just leave it at that for now.

 

Social Worker

Let me know when you want to talk to her about it.

 

Benny

I'll let you know. Okay. Bye.

 

Store Owner

Hello.

 

Sam

I wanna help.

 

Store Owner

Ah, wonderful. Okay. If you'd like to fill out this application, I'll be right with you.

 

Benny

Not so hard.

 

Joon

Wow. You actually have cuticles.

 

Benny

I know. It's amazing. What the hell is he doing?

 

Joon

Mashed potatoes. So are you and Ruthie considering item-hood? Are you? Benjamin and Ruthamin sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage. . .

 

Benny

Get out of here.

 

Joon

. . . then comes little Ruthamins and Benjamins and a baby carriage.

 

Benny

I'm just taking her out to dinner.

 

Ruthie

That's a good joke.

 

Benny

You like that?

 

Ruthie

Uh-uh. What time you got?

 

Benny

It's eleven.

 

Ruthie

On the nose?

 

Benny

Right, exactly.

 

Ruthie

I don't think I've ever asked anybody the time before and had it been right on the nose.

 

Benny

That's weird, isn't it? It's, right on the nose.

 

Ruthie

Do you. . . Do you want to come in for a while? I erm, I got that beer waiting for you.

 

Benny

Erm. You know what? I should probably go.

 

Ruthie

Okay.

 

Benny

Listen, erm. Can I, can I tell you something?

 

Ruthie

What?

 

Benny

Erm, you see, my life is just real. . . complicated, and. . .

 

Ruthie

Give me a break Benny. I just offered you a beer, okay?

 

Benny

No.

 

Joon

Why don't we pick up Ruthie, and get some ice-cream?

 

Sam

Yeah, let's get her.

 

Benny

No.

 

Sam

Why?

 

Benny

'Cos, she doesn't want to talk to me.

 

Sam

Oh.

 

Benny

Come on, we should go. Knock it off. He is. . . He's incredible. He's amazing.

 

Joon

Did you have to go to school for that?

 

Sam

No. No, I got thrown out of school for that.

 

Joon

Really?

 

Sam

Oh yeah.

 

Benny

Hey, listen. Why don't you guys go on ahead? I'm gonna. . . I'm just gonna hang here for a while.

 

Sam

Okay?

 

Joon

Really?

 

Benny

Yeah. Go ahead. I'll see you at home, later. All right?

 

Sam

Okay.

 

Joon

Okay.

 

Benny

That was. . . that was great.

 

Sam

No, no, no.

 

Benny

Thank you.

 

Sam

Thank you. Bye bye. Joon?

 

Joon

What?

 

Sam

I, I love you.

 

Joon

Me, too. Don't tell Benny.

 

Sam

Okay.

 

Benny

Did you see the way you had everyone in the palm of your hand? Huh? You've got this gift, and you shouldn't ignore it, you should be out there doing something with it.

 

Sam

Like what?

 

Benny

I don't know, all I know is I looked at you and I said 'This guy is something else'. You're special. You're not some regular schmoe like the rest of us, who do what we do because we have to do it. You're blessed.

 

Sam

Benny?

 

Benny

What?

 

Sam

How sick is she?

 

Benny

She's plenty sick. Now listen to me, I've been doing some thinking.

 

Sam

Because, you know, it seems to me that, I mean, except from being a little mentally ill, she's pretty normal, you know?

 

Benny

Do you realise you could be the next Buster Keeton? I'm telling you, Randy. Listen to me, you've got to see this guy. Tell him Eric.

 

Eric

He's funny.

 

Benny

He's truly amazing. Will you see him?

 

Randy

Yeah I'll see him.

 

Benny

You'll see him?

 

Randy

Yeah, you never know. You know most of these guys work locally, but some of them, the better ones, you can book in the out of town clubs.

 

Benny

You book them out of town?

 

Randy

I book 'em all over. I book 'em in Detroit, Boston, sometimes LA.

 

Benny

Whoa! Really? Can you see him tonight?

 

Randy

I'd love to see him tonight.

 

Benny

Hi.

 

Ruthie

Is my car ready?

 

Benny

How you doing? Oh come on in, come on in. Erm, listen, erm, I want to apologise for the other night. It all came out wrong.

 

Ruthie

No. No, it's okay.

 

Benny

No I do.

 

Ruthie

How's my car?

 

Benny

Oh, it's running great. Your fuel pump was shot, I threw in a new one. It's running great.

 

Ruthie

How much do I owe you?

 

Benny

Er, I'll tell you what. Why don't you just give me thirty bucks for the part, I'm not going to charge you for the labour. All right? Okay?

 

Ruthie

Yes.

 

Benny

Listen. If you're not doing anything later, I just lined up this thing for Sam.

 

Ruthie

What thing?

 

Benny

Well it's kind of like an audition. You know? Maybe his chance to make a living at all this crazy stuff that he does. Who knows? Maybe he could travel, play clubs. I don't know, you know? So if you're not doing anything later and you feel like. . .

 

Ruthie

Er, I don't know Benny. I got food to deliver, apartments to rent. My life's pretty complicated right now, you know? Thanks. Bye.

 

Benny

We'll lay out the whole routine right after dinner. You know what you could start with? Do you remember the, the roll thing you were doing in the diner?

 

Joon

Who died and made you Ed McMahon?

 

Benny

What's your problem? This is his chance to do something, be somebody.

 

Joon

He is somebody.

 

Benny

Yeah I know, but he wants to be more.

 

Joon

You don't know what he wants.

 

Benny

I know he doesn't want to be a housekeeper for the rest of his life. If you're worried about getting a new Smail, don't worry about it, we'll get a new Smail.

 

Joon

He's not my Smail.

 

Benny

Housekeeper, whatever.

 

Joon

We have to tell him.

 

Benny

What? Tell me what?

 

Sam

Err, Benny. . . Joon. . . and, er. . . and I. . . are, er. . . you know?

 

Benny

Bullshit. You. . .

 

Sam

No, no.

 

Joon

Don't.

 

Benny

Get the fuck out!

 

Joon

You can't throw him out. I won him.

 

Benny

Just settle down. You just settle down.

 

Joon

I love him!

 

Benny

Yeah? Well you are crazy!

 

Joon

I am not crazy.

 

Benny

You see what we've come to? You see?

 

Joon

I hate you. I hate you! I hate you! I hate you, I hate you. I hate you.

 

Benny

Can I get you, anything?

 

Joon

Tapioca.

 

Benny

Tapioca? Okay. Anything on it?

 

Joon

Raisins.

 

Benny

Okay.

 

Joon

Hi.

 

Benny

Hi. How you doing?

 

Ruthie

You're out late.

 

Benny

Yeah. Listen. Do you have any tapioca?

 

Ruthie

Jeez Benny, I've heard a lot of lines in my life, but. . .

 

Benny

No, no, no it's, it's not for me. It's, it's um, for Joon.

 

Ruthie

Come on in.

 

Benny

Yeah?

 

Ruthie

Yeah.

 

Joon

I don't hear you. I can't hear you.

 

Sam

Joon. Okay?

 

Joon

Yeah.

 

Sam

Good, good, good.

 

Joon

I'm not. No, no, I'm not.

 

Sam

Okay? All right? Hold tight, okay? Sssh. It's okay. It's okay.

 

Joon

I am not! I am not! I am not!

 

Sam

Sssh. Sssh. Come on.

 

Joon

Shut up!

 

Sam

No, no, no, no. Sssh. Sssh. Joon, please, come on.

 

Joon

No, it's not all in my head.

 

Sam

Sir? Sir! Stop the bus please! Please stop the bus! It's okay.

 

Joon

I don't want to talk to you! No!

 

Sam

Joon.

 

Medic

All righty, all righty. You want to step out?

 

Sam

Yeah okay, okay.

 

Medic

How you doing hon? Huh?

 

Joon

You think I don't know who you are? I know just who you are. So just leave, leave. Leave! Don't you touch me! Don't touch me!

 

Benny

Joon? Joon!

 

Man

Stay back.

 

Benny

Look, I am going to see my sister. Now would you please just tell me her room number?

 

Woman

Please sir, could you just come back in the morning.

 

Benny

Let me talk to her goddamn doctor!

 

Social Worker

I'm sorry. She doesn't want any visitors. Not you or anyone else.

 

Benny

She doesn't want to see me?

 

Social Worker

No, and she doesn't want to leave. Benny why don't you go home? Get some sleep. I promise I'll keep in touch.

 

Benny

I hope you're happy. I hope you're happy with what you have done to her. You just stay, the hell away from my sister.

 

Sam

No. No.

 

Benny

Wanna know why everyone laughs at you Sam? Because you're an idiot. You're a first-class moron.

 

Sam

You're scared, Benny.

 

Benny

I'm what?

 

Sam

You're scared. I can see it. And I know why? I used to look up to you. But. . . now I can't look at you at all. I think that the Fred Astaire is the way to go.

 

Woman

Yeah?

 

Sam

That's a good choice.

 

Woman

So, now who was that woman who starred in the Roman. . .

 

Sam

Audrey Hepburn.

 

Woman

Yeah. Sam, thanks a lot.

 

Sam

Have a nice day. Can I help you?

 

Benny

Yeah, I hope so.

 

Thomas

Hi, Benny.

 

Benny

Thomas. How is she? Tell me the truth.

 

Thomas

She's been better, Benny.

 

Benny

All right, well you've got to tell me what room she's in.

 

Thomas

Three-thirty-five. But don't even think about it Benny. It's a closed ward. No visitors.

 

Sam

No we've gotta find Joon. Please.

 

Benny

Thomas, you've gotta get us in there to see her.

 

Thomas

It's impossible Benny

 

Benny

What, what, what do you mean, it's impossible? Listen, I just need two minutes with her.

 

Thomas

Benny, I'll get fired.

 

Benny

Thomas, I'm begging you, as a friend.

 

Thomas

I'd love to help out Benny, but Garvey's going to be in there to check on her soon. My hands are tied. My hands are tied!

 

Benny

What room did he say?

 

Sam

Three-three-five.

 

Benny

Shit. What are you doing?

 

Sam

Mommy?

 

Orderly 1

What are you doing here?

 

Orderly 2

I don't think you're supposed to be in here.

 

Orderly 3

What room did you come out of?

 

Orderly 1

Get the door. Get the door.

 

Orderly 3

How'd he get past security?

 

Orderly 1

Hey, watch the door.

 

Benny

Joon. Look, I know you want to be left alone, but, you do not belong in here. Now, how would you like to try, living in your own apartment?

 

Joon

An apartment?

 

Benny

Yeah. There's an apartment available in Ruthie's building.

 

Joon

You'd let me live in an apartment?

 

Benny

That's up to you. I'm through making those decisions for you. Listen, I. . . I'm sorry I was such a jerk. And about Sam, I was wrong. I was dead wrong.

 

Joon

I scared him away.

 

Benny

No, you didn't. He's here.

 

Joon

He is not.

 

Benny

He's here. He got me in here. He's somewhere in the building.

 

Joon

He is not! You'd never let me have him. God. Why do you hate me so much?

 

Benny

I don't hate you.

 

Joon

You need me to be sick.

 

Social Worker

Juniper Pearl's chart, please. Thank you.

 

Thomas

Hey, wait! Wait Wally! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wally put him down. He's mine. I've been looking for him.

 

Orderly 1

You sure?

 

Thomas

No, no, it's okay. Yeah I'll take care of him. Sam, Sam, Sam, you can't be in here.

 

Sam

Where's Joon's room?

 

Thomas

Come on.

 

Sam

I, I, I've got to see her.

 

Thomas

Come on, come on.

 

Social Worker

Can you give me any reason why I shouldn't have you arrested?

 

Thomas

It's that one.

 

Sam

Yeah.

 

Thomas

See?

 

Sam

Okay.

 

Thomas

Sam, where you going?

 

Social Worker

Benny, this is exactly what we were trying to avoid. By now Joon would be in a caring and controlled environment. Isn't it obvious now that you two need some distance?

 

Benny

Why don't we ask Joon what she wants?

 

Thomas

Sam what are you doing? Hey Sam come on! Get down right now!

 

Joon

I don't know exactly what I want. I do know. . . that I am tired of everyone telling me what to do.

 

Thomas

Sam, come on down! Don't touch that. Sam, leave that. I'm begging you.

 

Social Worker

Joon, we want what's best for you.

 

Joon

I know that. I. . .

 

Thomas

Sam, come down now! Sam, you're going to get in trouble!

 

Joon

I think I want to try living in my own apartment.

 

Social Worker

Hmm, I don't know.

 

Thomas

Sam stop swinging!

 

Social Worker

But I'm willing to let you try. I'll prepare the papers for her release.

 

Benny

Thank you Dr Garvey.

 

Thomas

Come down! Right. . . Sam! Whoa! Whoa! Are you okay?

 

Sam

Ouch, ouch.

 

Benny

I know. Me, too. I'm going to check you out. Okay?

 

Joon

Okay.

 

Ruthie

Haven't we tried this before?

 

Benny

Yeah, but my life's a lot less complicated now. Is Joon inside?

 

Ruthie

Yeah.

 

Benny

Yeah? Okay.

 

TO INDEX SCRIPTS